I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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