Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
