So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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