Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
