I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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