Porn is love you can see.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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