1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
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