The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
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