i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize