Your tits are I can't wait for
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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