I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
