do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
