I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
