Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
