Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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