oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
