having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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