I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Did we literally take a cab across the street
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
