the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
