So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
