i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I need to sanitize my soul.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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