Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
