I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
