In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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