i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
