so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
