my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
