Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
