As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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