i already hear my dad disowning me
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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