i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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