i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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