So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Randomize
