You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
