Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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