I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
