Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
