you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
