I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
