So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize