I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
