IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
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