Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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