I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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