I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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