Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
