at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
