Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
i think my cat just said my name.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
