and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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