I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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