In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
