We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
