Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
