you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Randomize
