while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I think we might need a safe word for this...
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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