they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
