I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize