I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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